Hi friends. I almost hate writing this post, but I really can’t seem to help myself, so…let me begin by properly introducing myself:

Hi, I’m Bobbi, and I’m a complete and total buzzkill.

Wait – whaaa’?

That’s right. I’m a buzzkill – Bobbi Bummer Buzzkill, at your service. It seems that since I’ve become a “person in long-term recovery” (i.e. bboorrr-iiinnng), I’ve noticed with a combination of amusement and horror the ridiculous lengths to which we find new and dumber ways to perpetuate the drinking myth – that alcohol will take care of just about everything, and therefore should be in just about everything – in our culture. Which I then feel compelled to share with all of you.

I’m sure some of you may be thinking, “So what? Why do this?” To which I can only say, you’re right – who the hell do I think I am, coming down on people who can have their fun without me poo-pooing this and tsk-tsking that like I’m some kind of pseudo-In- Long-Term Recovery-Church Lady?

Well, for the record, I can ignore people and their drinking quite easily – do it all the time, actually, and hardly ever think much about it. People drink and have a good time, people get drunk and do fun/silly/stupid shit, people get drunk and kill themselves, people get drunk and kill other people –  it’s all just another day in the life in America.

But lately (OK, yesterday), throughout my time online I was peppered with several of these fun-coded messages of Ain’t This Great-ness, all involving alcohol, geared mostly toward women, all…day…long. At first I just went with the flow, but by the end of it my “Oh, dear god, you have GOT to be kidding me” meter had reached the saturation point, and now, well, I have to say something.

First was this cute, funny, very timely “IMomSoHard” video about what women of a certain age with an average body type/figure have to deal with come swimsuit season, and just how utterly ridiculous it can be. Allow me to say this: I really like it! I get a real kick out of these ladies and love where they’re coming from, ‘cuz, um, I can totally relate – and I’m not even a Mommy!

So I hate to complain, you know? I wonder, what would this video have looked like without the wine, though? I’m sure it would’ve been just as funny and just as good. It only makes a somewhat subtle appearance, like it’s just the perfect conversation piece to accompany the subject matter at hand – women having to put up with the outrageous expectations of what being a woman is in this day and age – and no doubt a prop to signify it’s just a part of the fun.

OK, I get that. Mommys gotta have their wine, fine, whatever.

But…were those mini bottles of booze I saw sitting on the red chair in the background during their posing sesh? Like, maybe this video was brought to us by Bacardi? No, no, it’s probably just those little sample bottles of perfume. Or mouthwash. Or something.

Then a little later on in the day I came across this Cosmopolitan Magazine post on Hip Sobriety’s Facebook page, and then the meter started really registering in little fits. The old-fashioned flask aside, this business of sneaking fermented beverages in somewhere with you on your person in such a manner isn’t really anything new, believe it or not. “The Beer Belly” and “The Wine Rack” came into vogue years ago, and as you can see on their pages they retail right along with several other such handy little items on Amazon.

How convenient! What hilarity! I mean, it’s only wine, fer chrissakes, not, like, vodka or something. I’m sure that Cosmo girl doesn’t have a problem or anything.

And I used to think that was a pretty ingenious idea, actually – but even when I was still drinking you couldn’t have paid me enough to try doing such a thing, at work or any place else. (Wait, does this mean I’ve always been Bbooorrr-iiinnng™?) Now it just seems desperate, cheap, and really, not all that funny.

Hip Sobriety’s eloquent words on the subject (Note: the post comes up but then directly links to Cosmo’s video – just X out of the video page and you should be able to read it) reminded me of – and stated much more effectively than I can – the reasons why this shit bothers me, so I’m most happy to see I’m not alone.

And last, but certainly not least, I came across the final insult of the day (on a website called “Thrillist”): Yes, Virginia, we have rum raisin ice cream – hold the raisin…

To which I can only ask, “Why is this needed?” To which I can only hear so many fun, urbane, cosmopolitan, sophisticated, young(-)ish ladies answering, “Why not? God, stop being such a stick in the mud!”

Oh, right, that. Sorry…

~~

P.S. For those of you wondering about, and still waiting for, Part 2 of my series “On Belief”, I’m still working on it, and will be publishing it in short order. Honest! 🙂