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Category Archives: Toolbox

Irreconcilable Differences – A Guest Blog Post by Rich C.

LifeRing’s e-mail groups have always been a great resource of support, encouragement, and community to those who use them as recovery tools. So many of the posts people write come from the deepest parts of themselves as a means of expressing their internal recovery processes. A lot of people have described the end of their relationship to their drug of choice – and their decision to kick it to the curb once and for all – to that of finally leaving of an abusive lover or spouse. A divorce, if you will…

The following is just such a post, created by my dear, brilliant husband, Rich C., which exhibits a…conversation, between one’s newly empowered Sober Self and their Addicted Self. It’s so good, it seems irresponsible not to share it with everyone! 

So here, without further adieu, is a break-up of epic proportions, written by Rich C.:

Alcohol:  Hey, sweetie, it’s been a while.  Have you missed me?  Did you get my messages, and my texts?
Me: I supposed I sort of missed you, but that’s not why I called.  I have news for you.
Alcohol: Can I come over?  Can you tell me in person?
Me:  Uh, not really.  I prefer that we keep our distance.  The news is that I want a divorce.
Alcohol:  A divorce?  What about our vows?
Me:  That’s just it.  I don’t even remember our wedding.  We were hanging out a lot, and next thing I know you’re wearing this ridiculously expensive ring, my bank account’s gone, and I have no recollection of anything.
Alcohol:  Well, darling, I do recall.  As you know, when we make love I do what I can to erase any memories of our intimacies, and other stuff.
Me:  Yeah, I have noticed.  You didn’t used to do that, you know.
Alcohol:  Well, our love has evolved, so to speak.
Me: Yes, it has.  So, are you saying that we made vows, “to love, honor, cherish and obey,” etc.?
Alcohol: Well, you made them.  I don’t do that sort of thing.  But, take my word for it, you recited it over and over.
Me:  Well, here’s the problem.  If/when I promised to stay true, to love, honor, cherish, etc…..
Alcohol:  Don’t forget “obey!”
Me:  Sorry.  Obey, and so forth, “in sickness and in health,” I wasn’t thinking in terms of YOU making me sick.
Alcohol:  Don’t forget “til death do us part.”
Me: Precisely. Right. But it didn’t say I had to wait until my bride murdered me.
Alcohol:  Okay, whatever.  So you want another trial separation.
Me:  No, this time is different.
Alcohol:  Hey, that’s MY line.
Me:  Yeah, and I’m sorry to say I’ve bought it all too many times, but I’ve finally figured out that it’s a lie.
Alcohol:  So anyway, we’ll take a little time away from each other, I guess.
Me: You don’t get it.  I’m done.  Through.  Finished.  Bye-bye.
Alcohol:  Well, I’ll go ahead and give you a call at 5 PM every day.
Me:  No, you won’t.  I’ve taken out a restraining order against you, and I’ve set all my phones to recognize your number and send you to voice mail, which I never listen to.  You call me, and you go to jail.
Alcohol: Like I’ve never been to jail.  Big deal.
Me:  Yeah I know–we went together, remember?  But this won’t be like that.  I won’t be there, and neither will any of your other lovers.  You’ll just be sitting there by yourself, with nobody to talk to.  So you’d better not start your harassing calls, this time.
Alcohol: Well, then I’ll send my mind-worms after you.  You can’t hang up on them.
Me:  You wanna bet?  You know what, you’re just a friggin’ molecule, is what you are.  You have no power over me.
Alcohol:  I’m a part of you.
Me:  You were.  Now you’re just a memory, and a mostly bad one at that.
Alcohol:  (sniffling) Is there someone else?
Me: Yeah, there is.  And her name is Life.  Guess what, she’s not perfect, but she’s not trying to kill me and make me do stupid things.
Alcohol:  Life?  I remember when you’d come over so you could get away from that bitch.
Me:  Yeah, that’s right, I used to do that, but I didn’t know how good I had it then.  And there’s a bonus.  Once I started seeing Life again she introduced me to Bobbi, and Bobbi is my one true love.
Alcohol:  Wait a minute; you’re cheating on me with Life, and you’re cheating on Life with someone named Bobbi?
Me:  No, not cheating.  It’s a threesome, if you will.  The truth is, Bobbi’s a part of Life, just like love’s a part of life. I’ve got my kids, my friends, my hobbies, my work, art, music, all things I love.  They’re not separate from life, and neither is heartache, loss, disappointment, fear, or pain.  But I found out that trying to kill the bad stuff kills it all.
Alcohol:  Come on, you know I’m a great enhancer of pleasures and a reducer of pain.
Me:  You were, but over time you became a pleasure reducer and pain enhancer.
Alcohol:  So, what are you claiming–“mental cruelty,” or something?
Me:  I could, but we’re in California, and it’s a no-fault divorce state.  All I’m saying is “irreconcilable differences.”
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Enjoying the Holidays: A Guest Blog

 

 

Pat McGraw, a counselor at The Prevention Coalition – a recovery support organization based in Southern California – sent us a lovely e-mail filled links to helpful resources out there for any of you who may find yourselves feeling stressed out and/or struggling through this holiday season.

Please check our Pat’s guest post with those links included, and please – reach out to and keep in close contact with your support groups and friends in recovery. And feel free to contact us here at LifeRing anytime via e-mail at service@lifering.org.

Many thanks to Pat for sharing this information with all of us, and to all of you, we wish you safe, healthy, happy, and peaceful holidays. 

 

Hello there,

While this is a joyful and busy time of the year for most, many people suffering from mental health issues or substance abuse disorder find the holidays to be a challenge.

As a counselor, I see a lot of my clients struggle with putting on a brave face during the winter holidays. For those in recovery, the parties and celebrations are rife with temptation (and explanation). For those suffering from depression and anxiety, the holidays can exacerbate feelings of despondence and agitation — which, unfortunately, can linger even after the holiday season is over.

In an effort to help those who are suffering find measures of comfort and reassurance, I have created a list of resources to share this list with your readers.

How about starting here:

http://lifering.org/2011/11/addiction-and-alcholism-beyond-12-steps/

 

25 Ways to Find Joy and Balance During the Holidays

 

Stronger than Ever: A Counseling Guide for the LGBTQ Community

 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder During the Holidays

 

Stress, Depression and the Holidays: Tips for Coping

 

Avoiding Family Stress and conflict During the Holidays

 

Happy holidays.

 

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An Invitation: Alternative Roads to Recovery Telesummit

Mosaic

 

Hey, everyone. How’s it going? I hope you’re all well, but however you are, I’m glad you’re here. Honestly, and not because I’m about to tout something (‘cuz…I am), but because if you’re here, then it means you’re a seeker, someone open, someone dedicated to finding what works for you, and not afraid to use it!

Perhaps LifeRing’s it, perhaps it’s not quite it but just one piece of your recovery program, perhaps it’s still a puzzle you’re trying to put together – and that’s not a bad thing.

There’s been lots of talk lately about “multiple pathways to recovery”, and it’s been music to my ears. This wasn’t necessarily the case when I got started on my own journey – in fact, it took some real digging through the labyrinthine interwebs just to find LifeRing. At the time it seemed if it was that difficult, then it must be a dubious source of sobriety support. I waded in cautiously, but even then something about it just…felt…right. So I dove in headfirst, and I’ve never looked back.

Now I consider all the other folks who found LifeRing and other means of support such as (just to name a few) S.O.S., SMART Recovery, or Rational Recovery way earlier than I did as sources of not just personal inspiration but a testament to something else, something far more important: They were, and are, pioneers in addiction recovery. Living, breathing examples that what they’ve done, walking whatever path they’ve chosen, works for them. The fact that their lives – and the lives of their families, friends, co-workers, and society in general – were and are improved for the better is reason enough alone to prove those paths legit, and that that’s all that really matters.

Somewhere along the line other folks,  both in and out of the greater recovery community, took notice and have come to the conclusion that this is OK to do. In fact, the concept has gotten so much attention and gained such unprecedented importance it’s now a movement, peopled by those deeply committed to saving as many lives as possible, who are open to the reality that people need all the help they can get, in any way that works for them.

One such person is a guy by the name of William White, a professional researcher with a Masters in Addiction Studies who’s worked in the addiction treatment and research fields since 1969 and was one of the first to get on board with the multiple pathways concept. (He’s also the author of a book some of you may have heard of – or even read – called “Slaying the Dragon – The History of Addiction and Recovery in America”.)

He also writes about all kinds of different things recovery-related on his blog, The William White Papers. In a recent post of his I found that he’s taken the concept even further, one that many of us have been living in our own recoveries for years now as well, and that’s of a recovery mosaic. A bright, colorful mishmash that’s not a “pathway” so much as as of little dabs of this and nice dollops of that, all melded together to create one beautiful, harmonious whole. It doesn’t necessarily mean just meetings or other mutual support aids anymore, either – it includes mindfulness practices, yoga, Buddhist teachings, hot wax therapies

OK, not the hot wax, but anyhoo, you get the idea. And so…if you’re looking for ways to create, or expand, your own mosaic/pathway, I’m most happy to let you know that LifeRing will be participating in a 5-day telesummit coming up on August 15 – 19th. Hosted by Recovery Life Management’s Beverly Sartain, it’s called “Alternative Roads to Recovery”, and along with us several other recovery groups/resources will participate, such as:

SMART
Online Recovery Communities
HAMS (Harm-reduction, Abstinence, and Moderation Support)
Intuition in Recovery
Intensive Outpatient Programs
Medication-assisted Treatment
Mentorship in Recovery
Mindfulness Based Recovery
Says Beverly (from the ARR website):
Alternative Roads To Recovery encourages men and women to find a recovery practice that works for them. Very often, that recovery practice is made up of many different systems and support. I’ll share my own journey with alternatives that had me celebrating 10 years of recovery this year with no relapses, EVER!

Sounds kinda nice, doesn’t it? If you want to check it out, please have a gander at this link here: Alternative Roads to Recovery.

And if you attend, I’d love to hear how it went (and even if you don’t, I love hearing from you anyway)!

🙂 Bobbi C.

 

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Making Plans: A Thanksgiving Survival Kit

I'm Not A Turkey

 

If next Thursday will be your 1st Thanksgiving Day clean and sober or your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 20th, then you might be looking forward to it with anticipation, dread – and possibly both, with a dose of anxiety added in for good measure. While we hope it will be a most pleasant holiday for you, it still comes laden with multiple stresses and people determined to mix alcohol along with their bird, so it’s good to have a plan in place to keep your Sobriety Priority above all else (and pass the gravy, please).

First, a friendly reminder to our face-to-face meeting attendees whose groups may normally get together on Thursdays, please check in with your meeting convenor to find out if the meeting will still take place on Thanksgiving Day – and convenors, please do your best to let your fellow group members know if yours won’t.

But never fear – LifeRing’s still here!

Our chat room will be open at all hours, and with huge thanks to him, meeting convenor Tim S. will be hosting the online Dual Recovery meeting on Thursday evening (6 PM Pacific, 9 PM Eastern).

We have several other online support venues available 24/7/365, so if you’re not already a member of any of them, please feel free to check our e-mail groups here, our Ning Social Network Forum here, and our web forum here. Even if you don’t feel like actively participating, sometimes just reading through posts new and old helps enormously.

Finally, here’s a great blog post that lists 15 excellent ways you can survive Thanksgiving and move on unscathed!

Whatever you do, DD/UNMW (Don’t Drink or Use No Matter What), remember you’re not alone, and take good care – you can do it!

~~

 

 

Hitting the Toggle Switch: Tools for Triggers

Eckhart Tolle Quote

 

Friends of the Blog, I cannot stress to you enough the vital, powerful, and user-friendly importance of the following exercises, shared with us and created by our San Francisco Convenors. Please have a good look see at it, put yourself in place of where it says “I”, and by all means, tell us what you’ve found out here in the comments, as will I!

🙂 Bobbi C.

For Every Trigger There is a Toggle

Most of us have experienced a Trigger—something that generates an immediate and overwhelming desire to have a drink or take a drug. Usually it’s some kind of sensory experience, like the smell of limes, or hearing a sad song, or talking with a specific person. Sometimes it’s a place. These Triggers are echoes of the past—your Addict Self trying to get back some control.

How can I get around such a powerful force? It begins with my Sober Self being fully aware of my personal Triggers. If I know them, I can anticipate and prepare my response. If I can’t avoid them, I can plan for them. That’s where Toggles come in—they can be a counterbalancing force to the Trigger.

Begin with Self Knowledge: Know My Triggers

  • What is the trigger? A smell, a sound, a person, a place?
  • What feelings does it create?
  • How long will it last?

For example, a trigger might be smelling lime juice because I used to drink vodka-limes. The smell causes a deep, immediate desire to drink, and lasts for a short anticipated time.

Create My Toggles

  • Imagine a sober opposite that will temporarily disable the Trigger.
  • Imagine a sober feeling and attach it to the Toggle.
  • Practice the Toggle until the Trigger disappears.

In our example, I might imagine a lime tree that reminds me of my garden, and think about the peace and happiness I feel while enjoying the garden until the craving passes (and I know it will pass eventually—a powerful understanding by itself).

Anticipate and Practice

  • What Triggers could be coming up this week?
  • Imagine them happening and practice the Toggles
  • Create a list of Triggers and their opposing Toggles
  • Notice the transition as Triggers become Toggles

With practice and repetition, my Toggles will override and become a natural and healthy, habitual, unconscious reaction to the Triggers, something I am fully aware of and don’t even have to think about.

Tell us about your experience

Do you have Toggles that work for you (maybe by a different name)? If so, please share!

— Prepared by San Francisco Conveners

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