Larry and Alvin Discuss Drinking
| by Tim in Toronto The scene: A party. Our cast of characters: Larry: Somebody who used to drink too much And now, Larry and Alvin discuss drinking… 9:00 PM Alvin: Care for a drink? Larry: No, thanks. Alvin: You don’t drink? Larry: Nope. Alvin: Why not? Larry: I don’t like the taste. Alvin: I’ll mix in some orange juice and you won’t taste the alcohol. Larry: Then what’s the point? Alvin: Uhh… 9:10 PM little bit of vodka. Larry: I told you, I don’t drink. Alvin: But it’s hardly got any vodka in it at all! Larry: I told you, I don’t drink. Alvin: Don’t you like to party? Larry: I’m here, aren’t I? Alvin: Well, here, I’ll just leave it on the table for you. Larry: Somebody might knock it over. Can you take it into the kitchen? Alvin: But I made it for you! Larry: I told you, I don’t drink. Alvin: All right, all right. b Alvin: I’m having a Manhattan. You know what’s in a Manhattan? Larry: No. Alvin: Taste it and see if you can guess. Larry: Do you have any cola left? Alvin: Oh, I can make you a rum and cola! Larry: No, I just want a cola. Alvin: Don’t you want a drink? Larry: I don’t drink. Alvin: Not even water? Heh. Larry: Do you have any mineral water? Alvin: How about a beer? That’s not really like drinking. Larry: Thanks, but no. I don’t drink alcohol. Alvin: Gotta go freshen my Manhattan. Speak to you in a bit. 9:30 PM Larry: Nope. Alvin: What’s up with that? Larry: I don’t eat veal either. Alvin: Huh? Larry: Well, if I didn’t eat meat, would you keep trying to give me a steak? Alvin: Ha ha. This is different. Larry: In what way? Alvin: This is a party! You gotta drink at a party! Larry: Hey, I’m having a good time! Good crowd here, tonight. We were just discussing last night’s — Alvin: So you don’t want a drink, then? Larry: No, it’s okay. Alvin: Why? Larry: I don’t like the way it makes me feel. Alvin: Oh, you mean the hangovers! So just have one little drink! Larry: I’m fine, thanks. Alvin: Okay, okay, I can take a hint. Geez. 9:40 PM Alvin: So, why is it, I mean, why is it you don’t drink? Larry: I partied hearty when I was younger. I’ve turned over a new leaf. Alvin: So now you’re a monk, is that it? Larry: No, it’s just a personal decision. Alvin: Why not have a drink and relax a little? Larry: Nah, that would take the edge off. Alvin: That’s the whole point! Take the edge off. Relax. Larry: I like to keep sharp. Got any coffee? Alvin: Irish coffee! Now there’s a good idea! Larry: No, just plain coffee. Alvin: I’ll go have a look. 9:50 PM Alvin: Here’s your coffee. Larry: [sniffs cautiously] Is this just coffee? Alvin: Well, no. I mean … yes! Larry: Really? Alvin: Well, just about. Larry: What’s in it? Alvin: A bit of whisky. Just a few drops for flavor. The heat of the coffee probably evacor— evaporated all the alcohol anyway. Larry: Alvin, I really don’t want any alcohol. Alvin: Oh, I see. So you’re better than everybody else. Larry: Hardly. I just choose not to drink. Alvin: I don’t get people like you. 10:00 PM Larry: Good, is it? Alvin: Itsh amazing! Smooooth as silk! Larry: Three cheers for Scotland, then! Alvin: Here, I’ll pour you a bit so you can see for yourself. Larry: I’ll take your word for it. Alvin: Oh, yeah, you’re the guy who won’t take a drink. Larry: I guess so! Alvin: So what’s with that? You an alkie or something? Larry: People who don’t drink are alcoholics? Alvin: Well, why else wouldn’t you drink? Larry: Just a personal decision. Good health and all that. Alvin: I read somewhere that wine is good for you. It clears up the blood or something like that. Want some wine? Larry: No, thanks. Alvin: Back in a sec. 10:15 PM this crap cheap stuff. Larry: We were just discussing last night’s — Alvin: This stuff’s okay, I guess. I can’t really taste the diff’rence. Larry: That’s good. Alvin: I’ll bet you couldn’t tell the difference. Larry: Probably not. Alvin: I’ll bet you ten dollars you can’t. Larry: You’d win that bet. Alvin: Umm. Bet you ten dollars you can tell the diff’rence! Larry: I guess we’ll never know, since they’re out of the good stuff. Alvin: What? Oh. You’re messing with my mind. Larry: Sorry. Alvin: Whatsh with you holy rollers, anyhow? I tell ya, itsh people like this who make us normal people … [wanders off] 10:45 PM Larry: Excuse me? Alvin: Sorry, man. I mean, whatsh on the TV? Larry: We’re watching the game. Alvin: Letsh toasht team! Larry: I beg your pardon? Alvin: I said … let’s … toast … the … team. Larry: [raises glass of cola] To the team! Alvin: Why’s the TV all blurry? 11:00 PM get going, now. Alvin: Wha’? Larry: I’m heading out. Thanks for everything. Alvin: One for the road? Larry: That wouldn’t be a good idea. Alvin: You can take a buszh. A buff. A taxi! Larry: I’d rather take my car. Alvin: Let me getcher coat. Larry: I’m wearing it. Alvin: Stand shtill and lemmee get your hat. Gotta have a hat. Larry: I’ve got to go now. Bye, Alvin. Alvin: Don’t wear a hat? Whatsh with people like you? Larry: I didn’t bring a hat. Alvin: You think I’m an alco’lic, dontcha? Larry: An alcoholic? That’s not for me to say. Alvin: I notchyanno. Larry: Excuse me? Alvin: I’m … not … you … know. Larry: Good to hear that. See you at the office tomorrow. Alvin: You mean this isn’t Friday? |